“When I grow up, I want to remember that I wanted to be about a thousand different things and one lifetime didn’t seem nearly enough. When I grow up, I hope it’s at the very end when it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.”
It is times like this where I am blown away by the notion of complete strangers who are able to take words straight from my soul and make them eloquent and relatable and actually make sense; words that I didn’t even know I wanted to say until I listened to someone else say them; words that cut me to the core and really open my teary eyes. It is times like this where I don’t feel totally alone in life…both the expanse of entire Earth and in my own little bitty world. And it’s times like this where I know for certain that I although I have no idea what my life has in store for me two months from now, hell…even two days from now, that I am exactly where I need to be and I always will be, and that alone just has to be enough to get me through another day. Whether an adventurous or monotonous day, because each day is another day of my life and it’s all a part of my story… like it or not. I decided to stop planning so far ahead. I think I have a major subconscious anxiety issue; this is not something I am always aware of, which I guess is why my body externalizes it in the form of a rash on my arms and neck. So although plans for the future can be exciting, I have decided to just plan one step at a time…and let that step lead me where it is supposed to – to the next. I should listen to myself and actually let life just happen. I am much better at life when I am just living than I am when I am trying to live.
I’ve been running standing still the past year or so… not quite sure where I’m running to or what I am running from. Would it matter if I knew anyway? I suppose I am running toward a fulfilled life; just one problem: what will truly fulfill me? What do I want out life? Who do I want to be in this life? Who do I want to know in this life? I am hoping, most of all, these questions answer themselves in time. I can be patient…I just need to see a light at the end of the tunnel to show me I am heading down the right track, if there even is just one right path to follow. I need some serious solitude; some quality me time that will hopefully bring about relief to my head full of doubt. I need a purely selfish break from routine. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am being far too irresponsible; like I am doing everything possible to avoid obligations… but I know it’s more than that. I don’t want to live an ordinary life… a routine life… an unhappy life. I just need to be as free as possible for now...
Tom Petty says it all for me.
You belong among the wildflowers… You belong somewhere you feel freeRun away, find you a loverGo away somewhere all bright and new… You belong with your love on your arm… Run away, let your heart be your guide…You belong among the wildflowersYou belong somewhere close to meFar away from your trouble and worryYou belong somewhere you feel free
...again, aMAZing photos and such heartfelt words. And again, I am SO proud of the young woman you have become. You are EXACTLY who you are suppose to be. I love you so much. Mom
ReplyDeleteYou are such a talented writer and photographer Jonelle. I miss you so much, but reading all your blogs makes me feel like you're not so far away. Even though you truly are. But I am happy for you living your life and trying to find yourself. It's a great thing and it's making you an even more beautiful woman than you already were. Keep on going down this path cause so far it's taking you to amazing places and making you happy. I love you bunches. Love your little sis. Jordan.
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